Visibility vs Vanity
I was enjoying a long brisk evening walk inside the apartment complex. The pathways were lit with subdued light, some at ankle level and some on short lamp posts casting pale yellow illuminations. My shadow flitted from being in front of me to slowly walking beside me and soon being left behind and as suddenly seen in front of me again. I was enjoying this play of lights. In the meanwhile the moon was playing hide and seek with the clouds. The normal ambient sounds of vehicles, children shouting and the continuous hum of life which is ever present seemed to be drifting away. The right ambience and environment for introspection. And introspection I did. It was an internal discussion I was having with myself about wanting to share and wanting to be recognised.
The question that welled up in my mind was what was the difference between “who I want to be” and “what I want to be”. As I dredged deep, I realised that while these were small in words but they turned out to be huge in depth.
🌿 “What I want to be” - I understood this to refer to roles, professions, or external identities. It felt like one of those textbook definitions which is precise but still misses explaining. What is your function as a human being? What you do. “I want to be an army officer, a career counsellor, a blogger, an entrepreneur, a teacher.” It basically focuses on my skills and my goals that I am looking for from life. The What is about the things that can be seen, labelled, or measured and it is shaped largely by what or how society defines achievement and success and recognizes contribution.
It is about the outer life - outside of me.
🌱 “Who I want to be” - on the other hand is about my character, my values, and my inner essence. This is where the human doing (the What) turns to be the human being (the Who). This is how I talk to myself by saying “I want to be kind, wise, courageous, peaceful, honest, compassionate.” The focus is on how I want to live, not what I have or want to accomplish and it is shaped entirely by self-awareness, reflection, and choice.
It is about the inner life — the person I am becoming inside while I live and do things.
The Bridge
As I thought about it more, my ego came into play. As a retired person, I understand that there is not much on 'What' I could be but there is so much on 'Who' I could be. The question between my rational mind and the Ego was “Is it wrong to be a WHAT so that the world knows the WHO?”
When one is in the stage that I am in, the roles may fall away. For the What, there is no corporate title, no ID Card to swipe, no attendance to mark but the Who doesn’t retire. In fact, it’s finally free to speak without uniforms, without inhibitions. But it can feel invisible, because the world tends to see only the forms, not the essence. It takes a lot just by being who you are and the world not knowing who you are. There is this quiet tug of war between visibility and authenticity.
That is when Light came into play.
The Paradox of Light
Light, by its very nature exists to illuminate, to make things visible. But light by itself cannot be seen unless it falls on an object. A light hidden away is still light, but it cannot fulfil its nature unless it shines upon something. So when I feel that longing, “Why do I still want to be seen?” I felt it’s not my ego. It is just that my inner light was seeking expression, not exhibition. But then self doubt crept up again saying “That’s you justifying yourself. It is your ego which is speaking even now.”
I sat back and started this self debate between me and me. After some time I came to the conclusion that my life would feel fulfilling when “what” and “who” align. When the what serves the who, my life feels integrated. When the what overshadows the who, my life feels hollow.
🌤️ The Truth of being Human
Why was I feeling a discomfort then? I felt I was being harsh with myself, judging myself, even beating myself up. Then it dawned on me. I am not light - I am human. And we humans are wired for connection. We grow through reflection like light, which needs a surface to reveal its beauty. Yes, I want to be seen not for validation but to belong to a community made of friends and family. This was my way of sharing my light with other lights. It was not self-display, it is just self-expression.
I realised the key is intention. If I choose writing, mentoring, walking the Dandi March, storytelling, cooking, not for applause but as a medium through which I can be “who” I want to be, then it’s not ego-driven. It’s just a way of expression. It is just my interest of sharing my thoughts with others. The danger is only when I start looking for comments and thumbs-up from others and feel bad if it does not come.
But do I still have a longing for response? Yes, definitely. A response tells me that my words have landed somewhere. Now I know that isn’t wrong.
The only shift that I have made which changed everything was that instead of thinking “I want the world to see my blogs” I have started telling myself that “I want my blogs to reach whoever is meant to read it.” Yes, my longing to be seen is real. So, I express myself (who) through writing, speaking, creating, counselling (what), not to prove who I am, but to share who I am.
💠Self Understanding
Every creator like me probably lives in that space wanting to offer what’s inside him or her, yet wary of the ego hitching a ride alongside. The truth is, this act of sharing will always carry both impulses — a little light of expression and a small shadow of ego. My aim is not to banish the shadow but to see it and still walk with integrity.
As I finished my walk, I saw my shadow still with me, knowing fully well that it would always be part of me, as long as I walk in the light.
Have you ever had this tussle in your head? Have you felt your self esteem being crushed because the ego wants to stand on the front row? Do share your thoughts here.
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