He stood beaming with joy with the prized award that he clasped tightly in his right hand. He also felt a free man at last, after the grand thanksgiving speech he had given. As he looked through the blinding lights into the huge crowd, which had stood up to give him a rousing applause – his life story ran through his mind.
His first thought was that of his school days with his friends running and playing around with other boys and oblivious to the difficult future that he was to undergo. How happy he had been then. His mind skipped ahead a couple of years. Now there were girls in their lives. Most of them had crushes and many were not really interested. But each one used to fake about it, so as not to haunted by teachers and other friends. The nonchalant fake was actually more to indirectly seek attention of those girls. He was happy since he had no interest in those girls. None seemed good enough for him and so he faked it with his friends. Boys played with boys, right? Who wanted anything to do with girls at that age? He felt comfortable and safe with his friends in the boys zone.
A couple more years flew. All boys were paired up with some girl or other in school. He found someone whom he really liked. At last the crush seemed so natural. Life went on happily till the day he tried to kiss the love of his life at a rather happy moment when the friend had just won a prize in school. His friend recoiled, did not say anything then and just ran away. He was wondering what he had done wrong. All his other friends had already kissed their love but no one had faced this kind of treatment. He would apologize tomorrow, he thought.
The tomorrow that came was pure hell. No one wanted to talk to him. In the boys washroom vulgar comments with his name was written all over. Someone had even used a sharp instrument, maybe a fork from the dining hall, to scratch another ghastly message – he had been made to look like a social pariah. Suddenly he had no friends anymore. Going to school became a nightmare so he started bunking classes. He took up a job in a video lab and found a safe place where he could live out a few hours in the daytime.
He learnt to work on computers, found the digital world a great place to spend time and somehow managed to scrape through his school examinations. He was grappling for an identity, looking for support and sensitivity in the real world but found none. The one incident had scarred him for life and so he decided not to go to college. His parents were furious. How could someone get through life without a college degree they wondered? They forced him to join college.
He paid the fees and never attended classes. He would leave home and go to the safe environs of the video lab. Living a life of pretense, not able to convince himself that he was different than other guys his age, he was losing his own identity and authenticity. He felt claustrophobic. His work suffered. He realized that if one were not authentic, one would lose one’s creativity too. And he was in a creative field. What could he do?
Life continued to be a misery. No friends to hang out with, the world was a lonely place. He wanted to kill himself at times. He felt that he could not work in a team because someone may find out about the incident in school and he would be thrown out from the job he really loved. He withdrew further into himself not making any friends. Then one day a co-worker walked up to him and had a similar story to share about his life. It was a revelation. There were people who went through life with similar issues and carried secrets but here was the first one who had come out and talked about it frankly.
He realized that day that though his friends had seen through him, he had not been honest with himself. His long conversations with his new found friend was an eye-opener. He felt himself released after years of solitary confinement and he poured out his story. As the doors of his mind freed him he realized that he had just walked out of his personal prison into a larger prison made up of his family. How would he tell them? How would his father with a violent temper react? How would his mother with a weak heart take it? So he decided not to tell them.
He found more friends, went out and had great time with them and finally fell in love with one of them. It was the best thing that had happened to him in his life. But his life had other plans laid out for him. A love letter written by his beloved one fell into the hands of his father who then demanded to know more about his relationship. Such kinds of things don’t happen in our family, his father said. Everyone wants to hear a lie. So the young gave him what we wanted. He said it was all nothing and that he would tell his friend not to send such love letters again. The lie satisfied his father and the young man was relieved. As he stepped out of the house, it struck him that he was missing a chance sent by the universe to come out and confess of his real love and relationship to his family. How long could he hide that?
He went back and told his parents everything and that he wanted to spend his whole life with his one true love only. The whole world collapsed around them. His father fumed and fretted and his mother cried inconsolably. How could their son do this to them, they ranted. His father finally told that unless he split up from this relationship they could not stay under the same roof with him and he had to leave right now and never come back. The young man took the next big decision of his life. He packed up and walked out of the house.
He gave himself up to his creative job, which he successfully did with no worries in his mind. He could live his own life with his beloved and was free at last – or was he? There was that one final gate to throw open – to let the whole world know about himself and his love. He struggled hard in his creative field. His mind was free of any pretense and the creative juices flowed. He started getting better opportunities and projects. Success followed!!
And then he got the news of the national award. He had been declared the Best of the Best. Accolades and congratulatory messages flowed in. The Who of Who in the industry sent him personal messages to congratulate him. He basked in the glory of his success but with one regret. He could not share these moments with his parents whom he truly loved. What he did not know was his parents home was, in the meanwhile flooded with well-wishers bring in bouquets and best wishes and sharing his success story with them.
He wanted to call his parents and tell them how he missed their presence right then but hesitated. Just then his mobile rang he heard his father’s voice choked with emotions after so many years. “Congratulations, my son. You have done us proud” said his father and told him how they had missed him and asked him to return home. He realized that success could win over relationships and bring in acceptance.
A camera flash brought him back to reality. The crowd was still cheering. He still remembered the moment of total silence during his thanksgiving speech when he had said, “ I am gay and I am proud of it but I am still human. I thank you all for accepting me the way I am”.
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