The Weight of "I"

 

The Weight of "I"

While sitting alone sometimes doing nothing thoughts flow back to our Dandi March which we walked more than a month back. After my return, appreciation flowed, making me feel awkward. I realise how much of a team effort it was but at the same time pride tries to lift its head. Lately, I have noticed the word “I” appearing more often in my sentences. Not intentionally. Just naturally.  It struck me then. Was my ego trying to jostle its place to the top? Does it show my humility if I pooh-pooh the whole activity saying “it was nothing.” 

As these thoughts eddied in my head like rain clouds, I was reminded of the day when we had our meals at the Langar in Gurudwara Chadar Sahib in Bharuch on the banks of the Narmada. And another day during the walk, when I heard some verses quoted by a friend. I had praised him for something he had done and he instantly came up with these verses - a beautiful traditional exchange often attributed to Kabir and Tulsidas on humility.

“ऐसी देनी देन जू, कित सीखे हो सैन?

ज्यों-ज्यों कर ऊँचो करो, त्यों-त्यों नीचे नैन॥”

(Such a way of giving — from whom did you learn this art? As your hands rise higher to give, your eyes fall lower.)

My first reaction was “Wow!!! That’s so cool”. He continued saying the first one was Tulsidas asking Kabir but the more powerful was the response from Kabir. My curiosity was piqued and I wanted to know more. So the very next moment he quoted Kabir and said

“देने वाला और है, भेजत है दिन रैन।

लोग भरम हम पर करें, तासों नीचे नैन॥”

(The Giver is Someone else, who sends day and night. People mistakenly credit me — that is why my eyes remain lowered.)

That just blew me away. I thought it was about humility but the second verse had a deeper meaning. It felt like something more than just humility. That exchange had been seated like a seed in a warm, humid soil till this morning when it broke open with its first sprout. 

Why does giving create subtle superiority? Why does praise disturb inner balance?

I decided to dwell on this subject a bit and the more I read more it clarified. Another Kabir-Tulsi interaction came to fore.

“तुलसी, ऐसे नम्र बन, जैसे धरती होय।

सीस नवाए जो चलै, ता पर बोझा न होय॥”

(Tulsi, be humble like the earth; One who walks with head bowed carries no burden.)

“कबिरा, ऐसे नम्र बन, जैसे तरुवर होय।

फल लागे तो झुकि रहै, औरन को सुख होय॥”

(Kabir, be humble like a tree; When it bears fruit, it bends — giving comfort to others.)

This changed the perspective through which I saw life in general. Both metaphors are so powerful: Earth - it absorbs everything without complaint while a Tree bends when it becomes full of fruit. In both, humility is shown as a natural outcome of maturity. 

The more you seek, the more you get. I could not stop, so I asked for more and here is what the universe delivered through Tulsidas:

“तुलसी ऐसा चाहिए, जैसा सूप सुभाय।

सार-सार को गहि रहै, थोथा देइ उड़ाय॥”

(One should be like a winnowing basket — Hold on to what is essential, let the chaff fly away.)

It made me wonder what I was holding on to — praise, noise, small approvals. I realised I need to keep what really matters. And Kabir's response:

“कबिरा खड़ा बजार में, सबकी मांगे खैर।

ना काहू से दोस्ती, ना काहू से बैर॥”

(Kabir stands in the marketplace, wishing well for all. No special friendship, no enmity.)

And this felt so simple -  having no psychological ownership, no ego investment. Just plain detachment.

And then came one of the most quoted but one of the most misunderstood verses in our philosophy - the famous line about action without attachment. In Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 2, Verse 47:

“Karmanye vadhikaraste, ma phaleshu kadachana…” 

(You have the right to action, not to the fruits.)

I realised I had misunderstood it as “Don’t care about results”, when it actually means “Don’t claim ownership of results.” Further, probably I confused detachment from fruits with indifference to quality, whereas the verse calls for full excellence in action — just without ego tying itself to the outcome. The meaning of the verse kind of corrected me by saying it is not “Do not act.” It is: “Do not cling to doership.”

It made me wonder:

What if humility is simply the side-effect of right action? What if bowed heads are lighter heads? What if ego exhausts us more than work does?

But the mind had other things to take me to. In today’s world, very modern and very necessary questions arise. “But why must we always be small? Isn’t confidence important?” Why Is Humility Harder When We Are Right?

I had probably misunderstood humility as self-doubt and softness without backbone. But on understanding the verses mentioned above, I realised true humility is not thinking less of oneself. It is thinking of oneself less often.

Confidence says I can do this. Humility says I am not the only one who can do this. Confidence gives us spine to stand up while Humility gives us balance. One without the other makes us either timid or unbearable.

When we are wrong, ego is already crushed. Humility comes almost automatically. But when we are right, we have evidence, validation, applause and a moral high ground. And then we hear that quiet voice which says “See? I told you.” Being right gives the ego oxygen. When we are right about our effort, the ego wants authorship. When we are right, clinging becomes attractive.

While I was thinking in all seriousness on this topic, humour crept in like that rascal friend who scares you by jumping at you in a dark alley. I was reminded of a funny quote - It is hard to be humble, when you are as good as I am.

And just then another couplet of Kabir surfaced to put me in place:

“बड़ा हुआ तो क्या हुआ जैसे पेड़ खजूर,

पंछी को छाया नहीं फल लागे अति दूर।”

(What is the use of being tall like a date palm — neither provides shade to birds nor accessible fruit.)

This reinforces the idea that Greatness without usefulness is hollow.

Why have these thoughts surfaced after the Dandi March? Why do I feel the narration gravitating toward “I” constantly. Maybe my memory says “I experienced” while my Ego feels “I achieved. 

Because now we have proof.

Maybe now my Awareness is nudging and reminding me  “It happened through me” and NOT  “It happened only through me” or “It happened through only me”. That tiny shift is something I am still trying to understand. Perhaps it is not thinking less of myself. Probably it means not mistaking myself for the whole story. And that maybe is the discomfort I am trying to shrug off.

I may continue to use the word ‘I.’ I do not know how else to narrate. I do not think the ‘I’ needs to vanish. It only needs to remember it is never alone.