The BHRAMAM Chronicles: Why Driving in Bangalore is a Spiritual Practice – Part 2

If Part 1 - Bahya Sadhana was all the outer hard work like swerving around cows and smiling at the Wrong Side Rider, then Part 2 - Antaranga Sadhana is not swearing under your breath while doing it. The inward journey involves control of mind. It is about things like watching your own thoughts and sitting with discomfort in a traffic jam without reacting or letting go of anger before you explode into a stream of expletives at the Rain Dancers.

Let us now proceed through Yogic insights to meet the other avatars in your delusional drive in the Startup–Shutdown Capital city. Start your journey and Shut down the engine. Breathe. Repeat.

Sign Yoga

If you have somehow cleared these initial steps to attaining Moksha on the earth, you would be tested further by the Indicator Navigator.  Riding in the middle of the road in a sedate pace while the occasional cyclists overtake them, they test your cognitive skills and patience. One just needs to follow them till they turn or stop. How do you get to know that? The moment you show your impatience and blow the horn, their helmeted head may turn slightly right or left. This is basically to check which side you may overtake them from and then making sure they move in the same direction to prevent you from doing so. 

Your slightly longer honk may get their heads turning to one direction again and again. Don’t look for the indicator. This is the Sign. The side in which the head turns more often is the side they are going to turn. And if you do see the head rapidly moving in both directions in rapid succession and both the legs splayed out, you will have the inspiring view of the Landing Eagle Scooterist. Have you ever seen an eagle landing gracefully on a terrace or on the ground? Probably it learnt that technique here watching Bangalore scooterists. The moment the legs leave the foot rest and open outward as exquisitely as the wings of the eagle when it lands, you will get that sense of Realisation. The A-ha moment!!! The Eagle is landing. Sorry, the scooterist is going to stop. She could be in any lane but be rest assured in the coming 100 metres, she is bound to stop. Look for the head movement again for the side that she would stop and slowly ease yourself past from the other side. You are safe now.

Track Yoga 

It is time that MotoGP, the premier motorcycle road racing championship comes to Bangalore. There would be no dearth of riders who are fully qualified to join the championships since this is the city of the Footpath Formula Racer. These are the two-wheeler riders who treat pavements like racing tracks. Dogs and pedestrians dive for cover while they deftly evade the hand carts which have covered more than 3/4ths of the pavement anyway. They know the exact places in the sidewalks where they can slide through and glide into the main road with majestic confidence. Who needs space to overtake? Going over the mound of gravel dumped last year to repair the roads is more than enough. 

Patience Yoga

The two and three wheelers are the Gurus who teach you the deep practice of hand-eye coordination, improve your mental faculty and vocabulary which you would not want any member of your family to hear. But the art of divine patience is learnt from cars especially the high-end ones who feel the power (of the car) is not to be used. You will meet the Smoking Hands very often. Left hand on the steering wheel and the right hand dangling outside the open window with a cigarette delicately adjusted between the index and the middle finger of the right hand, flicking ash, shared lovingly with the biker behind. Slow death on wheels, both for him and you. Do you wonder why smokers don’t keep the windows closed and enjoy their own exhaust? Because sharing is car-ing, apparently. 

Of course one cannot miss the Day Trading Driver who believes if he does not see the phone while driving maybe the Indian stock market would crash. Eyes on the phone, swiping between WhatsApp messages while inching forward. Whether Sensex goes up or not, your blood pressure will. The One-Earphone Cabbie, in the meanwhile, is the one to look out for. His one ear plugged, his mind somewhere between Kanakapura and Koramangala. He will always be in deep conversation with someone you cannot see — but can certainly hear.  Listening to words of wisdom on the phone but never to that honk behind them.

Dhairya Darshana

By this stage, you begin to glimpse the deeper truths that lie ahead.  

This city is a place where everyone is in a hurry - but no one is on time. And there is only one eternal truth which is blamed for any delay. You guessed it right - the traffic. And the traffic is such that even Ambulances are stuck due to all the road hogs who splay themselves all over the bumpy roads like wildebeest in the Masai Mara. 

In the lucky eventuality that an Ambulance with his blaring siren gets a narrow path to squeeze through, you would be able see the Ambulance Chaser. These characters are of the firm opinion that life is a race to be won at all costs. They wait for flashing Red and Blue lights around them and then spring into action. The siren goes on and they slipstream in like small fish which follow in the wake of a shark in deep waters. It would look like a Life-saving convoy to some but it is basically a VIP lane for the lawless. Zigzagging through traffic, sticking next to the speeding ambulance and crossing signals which still show Red.  

The only time these people do not try their stunts is when they see the Blood Bus. These are very amorous characters and are always on the look out for a fresh bumper kiss. If you do not want to be ravished by them, stay behind them. Red is not just their colour, it is also the shade your vehicle turns when it’s freshly sculpted into scrap art.  

And the smaller version of these are the Death Wish Drivers. Cutting lanes blindly, overtaking from the left, racing dump trucks and who believe, it is the duty of the other drivers on the road to save them. The only competition to the Death Wish Driver is the Divider Jumper. Why go all the way to the next cutting to turn when you can leap over the divider here. 

Maya Yoga

Zebra crossings are for Zebras. Pedestrians don’t cross there. The commonest being on Bangalore roads is the ubiquitous Facing Palm Crosser. Their pose is like an enlightened saint. The palm of one hand blessing the oncoming traffic and the face looking in the opposite direction in total peace. They have this Zen-like faith in humanity which is rare to see anywhere else in the world. They live in the world of illusion. Of course, these Gurus come in all sizes and shapes and ages. You may even find school kids with this suicidal overconfidence.

Somehow, with great difficulty, if you do find an empty stretch of narrow road, don’t increase your speed. It is highly possible that in this city with countless engineering colleges, you may come across the Reverse Engineer. Missed a turn somewhere? No problem! Just stop. Reverse. Mid-traffic. On these roads, expecting logic is as outdated as bell-bottomed pants or Encyclopaedia Brittanica. 

And without fail, in peak traffic and on the day when you are late for work, you will get to meet the Epic U-Turner. It is usually a sand-laden truck with “Pilot” painted on the door. Yes, he would take a full arc to turn like an aircraft taxiing from the taxi track to the runway, often requiring a three-point manoeuvre in the middle of a busy road. Traffic behind honking away. For him just flies on a buffalo’s back. To be ignored.

Karna Chakshu Yoga

Ah! The Honkers. These are music composers of yesteryears who have been reborn in Bangalore. For them sounding the Horn is like the temple bells during Aarti or singing at a concert. Must never stop. These gentle souls feel horns are to be used like snowploughs to go through traffic. Patience is a Mithya (Myth) for them. As mentioned right in the beginning, all our senses get fully tuned to achieve enlightenment, thanks to these great souls.  

If ears have the Honkers, eyes have the Flashing Headlight Maharaja. One flick of the beam, and they believe they’ve acquired right of way like a king in his palace — through red lights, human beings, and wrong sides. And at night, they become the High-Beam Boss. This enlightened being blinds you into submission and believes visibility is a privilege only for him, while responsibility for saving him and you - is yours.

I do not want anyone to think that I am cribbing about this lovely city. Of course, one has to go through the Metro Maze Project and the Gridlock Gang too during one's ride. But whatever said and done, as a friend of mine commented - a person may keep complaining about everything in Bangalore but ends his sentence by saying “but the weather here is fabulous.“ I have seen no one leaving Bangalore because of all the avatars we have been blessed enough to see on our ridiculous roads.

And thus ends Part 2 of B.H.R.A.M.A.M. — Bangalore’s Hilarious Road Anecdotes – Managed by Adjust Maadi. As the scriptures remind us: true wisdom lies not just in swerving past a Facing Palm Crosser, but in smiling at him. Join me in bowing to the countless avatars of the Bangalore road. With this we complete the inner journey — but the traffic, like this journey, is never-ending. See you at the next red light — stay enlightened.

And yes, before I forget. If you ever had the fortune of meeting some different Avatar on the roads, please feel to write about them in the comments below.